What else? But its like youve got a pillow smashed against your face, first protest weakly, and then your survival skills will kick, your survival instincts. Not necessarily like sexually, but just like time and like all of the things, attention. Signup to sync subscriptions across devices. And Im thinking you have never raised a baby. Rowan Mangan: And I thought they were going to get together. Yes. Martha Beck: Martha Beck: How Martha felt - after years of marriage to Karen - when Karen told her she was in love with Rowan, too. Our handle is @bewilderedpodcast. And its always a fear of scarcity. Its fine. Heartfelt words of personal and intuitive wisdom. Yeah. And so we made little plan because we didnt want to lie. I would say quite a bit offended. Theres this light bulb joke. Like it could be so important you could have waited this long, years into our relationship, before you finally pop the question, Do you like blue cheese?. So do you all experience jealousy and how do you navigate it? Exactly. And when you find something that you dont want to do and you dont have to do, dont do it. Kettlebells, the baby. Do you like blue cheese? She must be half Hermes. Well, and they feel the undeniability of it, thats what happened with us. I cant lift that thing. Eliana's life has never been what one might term ordinary. This is the code, when its a newborn baby, Im still talking about newborn baby. You can follow us to get updates, hear funny snippets and outtakes, and chat with other fans of the show. Row started coming to our residents. Its what he likes. Wed heard that term, but we didnt really hadnt thought about it. And then I become what I call the exploding doormat. So it would help us enormously if you would consider going over to your favorite podcasting app, especially if its Apple, and giving us a few stars, maybe even five, maybe even six if you can find a way to hack the system. Then we have dinner together. . Martha Beck: Martha Beck: I mean the antichrist, the devil incarnate really. Because I always feel better after we talk. And the fly is going, Thats so interesting, because I do not.. So its somebody telling the truth as they see it. I was making a salad and looking at the TV and the man said, The mother bear will not do things for her cubs that they have learned to do for themselves, for this would make them ill equipped to survive in the wild. And I was like, Wait, wait. And I looked at these three very competent human beings whom I was serving dinner. I mean, Mormonism had defined the enemies of the church in the latter days as gay people, intellectuals and feminists. I have a method. Rowan Mangan: 2015-2023. Her website is, MarthaBeck.com. That, but also then with a little murder afterwards. * How many virtuous mothers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Rowan Mangan: Player FM is scanning the web for high-quality podcasts for you to enjoy right now. If youre in the USA and want to be notified when a new episode comes out, text the word WILD to 570-873-0144. A huge lesson for couples based on the revolutionary ways they deal with conflict, jealousy, and daily rituals to stay close. I try to live in a way that feeds my heart and soul, even when that goes against the norms of our culture. Yeah. IG: @themarthabeck About Rowan: Chalene delivers straight talk and simple strategies (with a side of humor) so that every show delivers a return on your investment of time. And she got to be queen for a day and get her a new washer-dryer. So it was like a now are never kind of situation. So the funny thing is that I start out, its a bit embarrassing the way I start out in this story, because I came in as a kind of Martha Beck groupie. 1. That the fly has to do as well. 2. Can I talk about one more piece of research? Ungodly hour. This website uses cookies so that we can provide you with the best user experience possible. Were all outnumbered. Writer Podcaster. You treasure your connection with blue cheese. And both of them are like hard to fight with that. I think you can restructure it. How many good mothers does it take to put in a light bulb? And thats how codependency feels. Its the only kind of aggressive, I can be.. So its an over care taking. The first thing is to notice that its happening. There you go. How so? Its deeper than that Glennon. And that is the way that jealousy was framed in this book about polyamory. So whenever somebody tells me now that their kids told them theyre non-binary, I just think of that kid as like, oh yeah, that kids really smart. Would you say thats it? What is Polyamory - and how Martha, Rowan, and Karen make their relationship work. Life is freaking hard. Only both the same gender, so okay were content, we can handle that.. Yeah. The hilarious moment Martha, Karen, and Rowan told their friends they were now a throuple.4. Martha Beck: There was like someone we kind of knew had done a post on Facebook that day about Im interested in this thing called polyamory. Its like, who wears the pants? Then I left Mormonism and started practicing polygamy. 1. Rowan Mangan: And he was reading it out loud as we walked in with our family speech memorized. Bucephalus, the god of codependency. Martha Beck: Because thats a good way to think about it is that you assume everyone else is as needy and unable to communicate as a newborn baby, so you have to read their minds, guess their needs, give them what they want before they even know they want it, and always keep them happy. To help her serve others more. So they were kind of raised on a king size bed where Id throw food occasionally. How would you be confused? And so, I think like, because Marty and I work together all the time. Martha Beck: Shes like, I just feel like this fire hose of love, like maybe its sisterly. And I was looking at her and I was like, It is not sisterly, youre in love.. And you can go like write as many things as you can, until you get to something you dont want to do and then ask yourself, do you really have to do it? Right. How Martha felt - after years of marriage to Karen - when Karen told her she was in love with Rowan, too. And Karen has compared to us much lower impulse control about telling the truth. So Im curious about, this is obviously a psychological phenomenon, but theres also culture at play in encouraging that kind of behavior. Rowan Mangan: Can you email me that so I can tell the kids thats what Im doing when Im watching The Real Housewives of wherever. And one of the things that wed done is that when we had negative emotions, we have like ways of dealing with it, psychological ways of finding out whats really going wrong. Bewildered is produced by Scott Forster with support from the brilliant team at MBI. I do think also that if youve had to take care of someone or something, like a pet or a baby, and the most of the people doing care for very young babies are women, you get into that mindset of trying to be almost psychic about understanding other people what they need. Full of blue cheese. So thats one clue. You may not know this, but I was raised Mormon. And if queerness gets people there, then thank God. 2. But I only want to talk to you for one hour a week until Im less busy. and they go, Oh. Please note: This is an unedited transcript, provided as a courtesy, and reflects the actual conversation as closely as possible. And for me, the soul is genderless. Because I feel like theres where it came from, and then theres also just the way that term is used. I want to first thank you so much for this podcast. New episodes on Mondays for free. How does it feel for you when you know youre exhausting yourself taking care of others? Martha Beck: What is Polyamory - and how Martha, Rowan, and Karen make their relationship work. This episode really triggered me and I am mulling it over. Seriously, Ive been getting physical therapy and then I lift weights like a maniac to try to build my strength up. Rowan Mangan: Rowan Mangan is a writer, podcaster and mom to a vivacious toddler. Its like, I need to go wash my mouth out. I think if wed been living in a city or been Like we were 40 minutes from the nearest pint of milk at that point. Glennon and Abby interview their favorite person and co-host: Amanda Doyle! The hilarious moment Martha, Karen, and Rowan told their friends they were now a throuple.</p><p>4. She said No, but I am aware that some people do. I was trying to figure that out for some time. A huge lesson for couples based on the revolutionary ways they deal with conflict, jealousy, and . So Marty, this is a Be Wild Files episode today because we have been hearing from our beloved listeners. And then you try to do it before theyre conscious of wanting it. And it just naturally every time happens, its the best. You are a dream. Photograph: Teri Pengilley. The thing was shed already spent enough time with the three of us to feel the energy. Rowan Mangan: And one thing I know is theres nothing so beautiful as watching your child be with someone really great. But the first thing that comes to mind is something that happened several decades ago, but the echo of it still resonates. Im trying to figure out like the nature of your psychology? Someones broken a cultural rule. Being gay when we were growing or when I was growing up, it was so weird that they wouldnt even put it on. Rowan Mangan: But codependency can make you feel exhausted, burnt out, and resentful toward those youve been helping, especially when they feel entitled to your over-giving. Friendships, even professional relationships. In a sort of pop psychology sort of way. I will give you what you need because otherwise you will hurt me. And the spider feels like theyre best friends and everythings great, and the fly is being slowly consumed from within. And the way they express their love is to capture the fly and wrap it up alive in a little torturous straight jacket. Theres the clues from other people. Yes. Of course. And me, I was already out on my ear. And you will say, this is too weird. Then what we are trying to figure out. But two people can have the same name. But Trinity time is coming. How do we unhook from the spider-fly relationship? Martha Beck: What is Polyamory - and how Martha, Rowan, and Karen make their relationship work. Rowan Mangan: You have to pick it up at a place thats not explosive, but its still, a lot of us over helpers say that we dont have a right to get angry until we are literally about to die. What is Polyamory and how Martha, Rowan, and Karen make their relationship work. Youre very right that that works only in situations where people dont feel entitled. So has the psychology of entitlement, addiction, whatever, theres that whole, its the opposite of codependency. And they would try to build it up so this woman was so deserving of pity, and then theyd compete to see who deserved the most pity. Martha Beck: Lets say youre a baby, youre a child, everythings great. But look what you guys did under so much cultural spotlight and look at the two of you, youre just absolutely radiant. I watched in awe from my home while this simple phrase from Untamed WE CAN DO HARD THINGS the mantra that saved my life twenty years ago, became a worldwide rally cry. I mean, they were capable of taking care of themselves, while I was making them dinner one day. Jen Hatmakers Back! So youre just talking about where its invisible privilege that can be worked with, but thats different from where theres actual narcissism. Hosted by Cristen Conger. 3. Get off whatever web is causing you to over help and under care for yourself. Circumstantially polyamorous, a memoir. We hope youre enjoying Bewildered. Like jealousy does come up, but its not like just because jealousy might be there that its a deal breaker for a relationship. Rowan Mangan: And I said, I dont know how I got the Like I had the most wise download of the history of my life in this moment. Each story takes on something essential about California -- its progressiveness, its reputation as a home for dreamers and schemers, its heartbreaking inequality, its varied and diverse communities, its unique combination of dense cities and wild places -- and each season breaks it down into multiple 20-40 minute episodes that will be released sequentially. Its way out in the bush in South Africa and theyre lions and everything. Martha Beck: But its like, is this optional? Well talk about anybody who has really tried to excavate themselves. But then when she came and saw our family, there was no discussion after that. You just never tell me anything. And the reason we thought this was such a great question was because in our culture, for many of us, it is seen as laudable to have this disordered behavior. Writer. But on her way, we kept getting these updates from Rowan Mangan. And here comes Bev. Ro is currently pursuing publication for her first novel, a magical realist thriller set on the west coast of Ireland.TW: @rowanmanganIG: @rowan_mangan To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Rowan Mangan: Like the same way you felt Abby with your mom. And Lila comes in and she sees the five pounder, which I can barely lift myself. About Martha:Dr. Martha Beck is a New York Times bestselling author, life coach, and speaker. Anything you create from a state of joy has an energy that makes other people want to share it. Oh, my pedestal. Time I learned a little something about this adopted country of mine. Yeah. Martha Beck: Do you guys have any rituals like that in your day? And I dont know if all non-binary people are amazing, but damn, these one does. You were a little bit, yeah. When she was five months old, she could still drag Adam around the house, helpless in her grip. To help her serve others. And of course, we immediately started groveling to your friend because thats what a good codependent does. Dont you think because you have a non-binary kiddo, you said, right? Rowan Mangan: But I think the other thing that we do well is that we have a lot of rituals in our lives that involve the three of us and so in through the day. Dr. Martha Beck is a New York Times bestselling author, life coach, and speaker. Even though if you bring a heterosexual partner home, they dont have to think about you having sex. Its very spiritual. Isnt it interesting that it is Ive thought about this before that theres such a strong similarity between like the whole gay thing and then this is that its all people want to talk about is the sex. Can I tell you about Karen telling her mother whos in her eighties about the three of us? And this is another episode of Bewildered, the podcast for people trying to figure it out. Well be right back with more Bewildered. Martha Beck: We were living in California and we would get up in the morning every day one winter. So I was all like misty-eyed and excited. It wasnt optional. And sometimes its more interesting to hear about what you all are trying to figure out. Rowan Mangan: If your mother is highly codependent and does everything for you, you can grow up expecting that people will just do everything for you like your mother did. Ours is Im controlling things too much. Rowan Mangan: She also runs the Wild Inventures newsletter and community on Substack. But its basically a sense of being entitled to be served by codependent people. Transfer that to energy, attention, service to another person. When Martha was 29 she spent a year refusing to tell a single lie and shares the truths that found her as a result. Way worse than the worse mugged or bed bugs. Rowan Mangan: You can follow us on our Instagram channel @bewilderedpodcast to connect with our Bewildered community, learn about upcoming episodes, and participate in callouts ahead of podcast taping. Shes getting on.
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